Being a mom has redeemed my life in so many ways. As my children grow and move forward in life, I am forced to look back on my childhood with ‘parent eyes’, the view is different then. As an adult I can go back into the archives of my own life and see how patterns (healthy and unhealthy) got established and I can empower my children by modelling healthy behavior. It truly can be a redeeming aspect of parenting. With adult eyes we can not only watch over and protect the children God gave us but we can also protect and redeem the children from our past (ourselves.)
It may take years to figure out where your parents or other adult figures in your life went wrong and what you need to do to heal but it is important that you do. Greg and I are very fortunate to have each other and part of the reason I know God put us together is because we help each other heal. His qualities: empathetic, patient, dependable, passionate, kind, courageous ; and my qualities: strong, assertive, loving, considerate, passionate, forgiving are the gifts God has given us to use with each other. We have helped each other recognize unhealthy family patterns and in the process heal a lot of the hurt in our lives. It’s SO freeing. Psychologists call it secure attachment. (A great resource is this book: Face to Face by Jesse Gill) Knowing that you can help heal your spouse and break destructive cycles in your life is very thrilling- life becomes new!
All parents fail us in some way or another and we know that we will make mistakes as parents too. I think the difference between a toxic parent and a non toxic parent is the boundary aspect, specifically- being willing to respect boundaries. Teaching your kids how to set boundaries will show them not only how to respect others but also themselves as well.
Setting clear personal boundaries is the key to ensuring relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem. They set the limits for acceptable behavior from those around you, determining whether they feel able to put you down, make fun, or take advantage of your good nature.
If you often are made uncomfortable by others’ treatment of you, it may be time to reset these boundaries to a more secure level. Weak boundaries leave you vulnerable and likely to be taken for granted or even damaged by others. On the other hand, a healthy self-respect will produce boundaries which show you deserve to be treated well. They also will protect you from exploitative relationships and help you avoid getting too close to people who don’t have your best interests at heart.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries: When To Say Yes, When To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2004.
Understanding why setting boundaries make people angry and what to do:
The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem…Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people.
Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.”
God gives us an example
We confuse people with God. What is healthy with people is unhealthy with God. What is unhealthy with people is healthy with God. Healthy human relationships: “I care for you, but I don’t need you to survive.” Healthy relationship with God: “I need you desperately.” Unhealthy human relationship: “I need you desperately.” Unhealthy relationship with God: “I care for you, but I don’t need you to survive.”
Sometimes, the hard truth is that when you set boundaries you risk the fact that some people will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can’t control you anymore. This is a true risk. God does this every day. He says He will only do things the right way and that He will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, He lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same. Emotional manipulators will back off and in their place sustainable, loving relationships will thrive.
I love to write, I wish I were better at it. Writing helps me to get my emotions out, clears the clutter from my mind and allows me to bank my thoughts.
I have dozens of posts that I would love to publish on my blog. Because these posts might mention people/situations that are real to my life I have also chosen to limit readership to only those who subscribe, it creates a safe, smaller environment for me to blog freely. Password will automatically be sent to my subscribers and followers.
A few days before our anniversary Greg and I looked at each other in slight panic. It was a ‘I think we shot ourselves in the foot’ kinda panic. We got married on leap day 2016 (Feb 29th) and at the time we thought it was a perfect, romantic and unique choice..we still think it is…the only problem we were having was figuring out what day to celebrate our anniversary – Feb 28th or March 1st? Feb 29th only comes around every four years…We went with March 1st, the clear choice…and we ended up having an extended celebration weekend as well! 🙂
My husband leaves me notes in the morning before he leaves for work…I’ll share the one he left the morning of our anniversary:
Being married to a man who is certain and happy in the life you have together is wildly passionate and at the same time brings so much comfort and peace to us both.
We saved the top tier of our wedding cake and wanted to partake in the tradition of eating one year old cake on our first anni.It was surprisingly yummy and not surprisingly – a tad dry. On March 1st we enjoyed our cake, exchanged presents and enjoyed looking back at the year gone by. Our first year of marriage was exciting, filled with new experiences and adventures, we learned so much about each other, the kids and most importantly we began figuring out what God would have us do with our lives. We are on the same page in almost every aspect and it’s been so easy to do life together.
W did a little wedding reminiscing.
On Friday we had our anniversary dinner. Greg took me back to the Inn at Leola Village where we got married. He made reservations at Te and we spent three hours enjoying 5 (it was actually more like 11) courses of food and wine.
At our table sat a beautiful vase of anniversary flowers. Greg had our wedding florist prepare an arrangement for the table.
I have NEVER enjoyed a meal like that. So indulgent and delicious. It was a tantalizing journey of luxurious and exotic foods..including, eel, octopus, lobster, duck, scallops, truffles, wild boar and escargot. The cheese trolley of imported cheeses was so decadent. Dessert was artistically strewn on the table and paired with an amazing Lambrusco and espresso served in waffle cones. WOW! We left feeling very satisfied and as we were headed to the car Greg pulled me aside to peek into the room(The Bella) where we got married.Peering into the window was like looking back at the year gone by.
We left Te with a bag of goodies, our personalized menus and a sweet surprise: A beautiful anniversary cake which we enjoyed with the kiddos the next day.
All in all, celebrating our first anniversary was fun, exciting, and luxurious 🙂 The most meaningful part for me was this gift.
A single tree, drawn by a local artist. It represents our first year. Trees were a theme in our wedding and with tears in his eyes, Greg told me that he wanted to build a forest with me.
I’m looking forward to building our forest together too😍❤️